My Best Friend Made Me Do It

"Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"

Who said that, anyway? It is just so true, I can't stand it. Like, it doesn't make the pain any lighter, but to use that as a mantra when I'm in the midst of trauma just helps me hang on. *sigh* I know I have been through worse, and I know other folks have been through worse, and we all know that pain affects everyone differently, but it always feels the worst when you're right in the middle of it, no matter what's going on. Yes, yes, I'll stop rambling about my woes once I experience something else to take my mind off of it. But it just hurts. Sorry ya'll. You know how it is. It just plain hurts.

'Nuff for today.

Peace.

Okay, I guess here is my first "real" post. No trivial introduction, no more "Is this thing on??". Just me, blabbering about my nonsense, typing as if I were running off at the mouth about all my grief. That's what this is all for, right? *sigh* Oh well. Who cares.....


I am in a pit of sadness and depression as I'm going through a breakup. Actually, the breakup has occurred already, but now I'm draining (tears) and making my best attempt at healing. I'm in the "I'm a fool" stage right now. I feel like a fool for being lovesick and p*ssy-whipped. I feel helpless because I couldn't help her. I couldn't be the one to help her work through everything she's going through. See, (hey everyone, look at the fool again) she was already fresh out of a relationship (warning, warning), like maybe 6 months out, barely. I should have known from the start. I know how I feel right out of a long term relationship, and I know how I had to get back in touch with myself first, before I could contribute to another one. But I didn't listen. I heard words of possibility, that she and I could actually work. And it did, for 5 months (no, not a long time, but we get points for tryin'). The saddest part of this whole thing, is that we're not mad at eachother. There's no animosity, nobody cheated, nobody cussed anyone out. It's all about a woman taking care of herself first, and honey, I can TOTALLY understand that. So I am totally backing her up on that, and totally agree with her. But that doesn't make the pain go away. How hard would it be for us to turn around and be like, "Hey buddy, what's up??" (slap on the arm, and the greeting-grin on the face with head tilted to the side). It's been more like, (without verbalizing) "Hey, let's go get naked!". Don't get me wrong, there's been more to it than sex, but it's the romantic involvement that has to back off, not the friendship. But I have to take some time to repair until I can be a good friend, without having the same fuzzy feelings rush to the front of my head (no matter how hard I try to pack them away) every time I see her. *sigh*


Well, how's the old saying go? If you love someone, set them free, if they come back to you, they're yours forever, and if they don't, it was never meant to be, and then you drink yourself into oblivion, right? Just kidding. I'm not going to do that, although a couple of my friends have tried to encourage that. I have only gone out once and drank a couple beers, just enough to numb things for maybe only an hour. It's actually just distraction. Even if I go out and don't drink, it's all just momentary distraction. And then, crap, it doesn't matter who I try to get a conversation going with, they all want one thing. *sigh* What is up with that? Nobody wants to just hang out in a bar anymore? And I thought men were bad about that stuff! (um, yes I dated men for a long time, since everyone told me that was what I was supposed to do..... then I woke up) But I'm free now, I busted out the closet a while ago, after a year or so of peeking out of it. Thank goodness!! Now I see what I have been living without all these years! (yeah, oooh, aahh, lots of lovin' and then you still get to look like an idiot.... nice!) I know it doesn't matter when it comes to relationship structure, men or women, people are people. But the camaraderie and the understanding between women is nothing that men can touch.


ANYWAY, so I'm in no place to get hit on and accept it, I'm single but not available, and I guess I'll just sit in my house and cry until I can snap out of it, pull my head out of my ass and realize there is a world out there. *sigh again* It just plain hurts. Ow. I love her so much, but if a friend she needs, a friend she's got. I wouldn't abandon that for anything. You fellow females out there know what that's worth.


Okay, so on the other side of things, I will find some outlets in going back to horse training in Feb., and going to St. Louis Blues hockey practice, meeting my favorite players, etc. I also got recruited to come check out the St. Louis Sabres women's rugby team, and when I don't know the first thing about rugby, maybe a good ass whoopin is just what I need. :P Hey, might be fun. I'll re-discover the whole "fun" concept sometime soon.
Well, that's enough for tonight, I think. I'm gonna surf and read my favorite new blog, "SistersTalk". Finally, yay for a porn-free lesbo site!!! Holler!!


Nite y'all. Peace.

Okay, so it took me long enough, I know. I'm Nia and this is my first blog ever. I'm sure everyone already knows Chasmyn, one of my oldest and bestest friends. Yes, she made me do all of this, and I actually am starting to like it. It was kind of a pain in the beginning, but my brain cells are churning and I think I'm catching on. *sweat* jk :-)
So.............. what about me? Born and raised in the Midwest but lived on both coasts (so I'm cultured-like), and I'm kind of a boomerang child, if you will, because I keep coming back! My life work is in animal care, with emphasis in horse training, dog training & grooming, and reptile rescue and rehabilitation. I also have a knack for singing and dancing, but we'll just keep those as goof-off-time hobbies. Gotta cut loose somehow, right? ;) Anyway, like everyone, life has thrown me some curves lately and I got in kind of a funk, so this seems to be a good outlet. Hope y'all enjoy mah li'l stories n' snippets n' such. (heehee) More later. Peace.

Since Nia is a huge animal lover, I thought she would thoroughly enjoy this. All I can say is I want one.

(via Kensho Godchaser)

posted by Chasmyn

This is Chasmyn, guest Blogging for Nia in her first post here. I helped convert her to blogging, and I am so tired! I'm trying to get this photo thingy working on my little blog, and I am so so sleepy. But. I. Must. Finish. Before. Bed.

I hope you enjoy Nia as much as I do. She cracks me up endlessly.

Fun fact: Nia and I have been friends since we were 7 years old. Yep, we met in Mrs. Turner's second grade class and have been friends ever since. She is older than me, too. By almost two whole months. Almost. She is SO old. I'm young. I'm like the baby and she is like the grandmother. Heh.

Love,
Chasmyn

Okay, here's another post. Where are these things supposed to show up? It's not like I actually know what I'm doing......
Um.... help? (like anyone in the universe is going to hear my type-thoughts)

Hi.
Here I am.
This is me.
My blog this shall be.

Um.... later.